Touch

There was a study done by American psychologist Harry Harlow on rhesus monkeys in the 1950s. Harlow separated monkeys from their real mothers and had them drink milk from either a cold, wire lookalike mother or a different lookalike mother covered in terry cloth. The monkeys spent much more time with the comforting cloth mother. And when the monkeys were only given the choice of the cold, wire mother had severe behavioral abnormalities - and they stayed that way even if being introduced to more nurturing environments later, according to a summary from the University of Oregon.

Other studies have found similar results in humans. One found that children who grew up in orphanages away from traditional nurturing had much higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol, and another found that touch-deprived infants have abnormal levels of hormones that regulate social behavior.

It disturbs me to think about testing babies and not giving touch!?!  In one study, half the babies died when they stopped the research and the ones that were then rehomed with affectionate parents, eventually died. The researchers noted that upon observation with the babies who were rehomed, “The children stopped acting like they were alive before they were dead”. I bring this up because this is how I feel so many of the adults that surround me behave, they stopped acting like they are alive. 

Now if I were to say that an adult was not touched for months and months on end, it will most likely not disturb us as a society as much. San Franciscans pass by dying, homeless, untouched humans everyday when they walk to work. As we all know that this is a prevalent experience as a living adult, especially today with the evolution of technology and isolation. Sadly, adults need just as much physical touch as babies to survive. Touch is our most powerful and primal tool of communication. The issue as an adult, you can want to touch or give touch, but it always comes with some kind of meaning. For example, providing a back massage to my dad made touch for me a subservient act. I shyed away from exploring this type of touch with others because of it, robbing myself of physical touch I need to survive. We all do this, we are all afraid of what or how our touch may be interpreted, so we just disengage and don’t participate. We are all afraid of the meanings of touch and all are slowly becoming touch deprived. 

Furthermore, I vehemently defend the theory that men are being deprived the most, beyond disrepair. The psychologist Ofer Zur notes that for most 20th- and 21st-century American men, physical contact is restricted to violence or sex. Just today, a man in LA shot his child’s mother during a custody exchange at the police station. Another startling bit of information. Men murdered in Oakland are usually in public and killed by a stranger, women who are murdered are usually at home and are killed by a family member.

So, we already know that the meaning of touch can deprive us, but if we understand that the only way to get touch is through violence or sex, I can only imagine how little of it is there.  A study by James W. Prescott, looked at 49 cultures and the origins of violence, “The cultures that exhibited minimal physical affection toward their young children had significantly higher rates of adult violence,” But “those cultures that showed significant amounts of physical affection toward their young children had virtually no adult violence.”

Women have other platonic ways to receive touch and are encouraged to limit sexual interactions to one partner. They, inhand, restrict the economic supply and options for men to receive touch via sex. Men don’t touch other people, it is discouraged and most likely only comes through sexual interactions. So how do they find those sexual interactions? Today, the easiest and quickest way is through dating apps.

Now if things were not already messed up, let’s bring in some modern dating apps into the mess. Tinder, for example, is known for it’s novel style of matching and ambiguity in user intent raising many questions in this conversation. The marketplace is heterosexual and primarily dominated by two populations. Millennial men (average age 25.7) looking for touch/sex and then possibly more and Women (average age 25.2) who look to fulfill other needs like financial security and commitment before sex is in the mix. Essentially, because the needs and desires don’t match, it is a marketplace value system mismatch. To further fuel this gap, Men see that they are matching with very few people, and therefore become even less discerning; women, on the other hand, find that they match with most men, and thus become even more discerning. It is creating further divide and scarcity, monopolistic situations. 

The free market is a powerful and useful system, but it only works well in those instances where the bargaining power of the contracting parties is more or less equal. When the bargaining power between the two parties are vastly unequal it can lead to monopolies, dysfunctional behaviors and toxic power control dynamics. Here are some of the trends we are seeing : 

1. Constant rejection: One study found a low rate of matching, particularly for men. This study also found that around 50% of matches do not message back. Hence, dating app users are constantly being ‘disliked’ and ignored.

2. When you do match you deal with another round of issues: Ghosting. Simmering. Icing. Essentially, the terms mean to ignore someone’s messages. Whether it's a text, voice message, or email, ghosting means to not respond, or disappear. There are different reasons and versions of it, for example simmering, keeping you as a backup and might pop up again and they usually do. Somehow, it has become common practice and is almost considered socially acceptable. It’s a tool that is used if you are dealing with stalkers and people who will not take no for an answer. Again, an indicator of unbalance on both ends and the product of this dynamic. 

4. Upgrading: Jessica Strübel, PhD, of the University of North Texas says that “As a result of how the app works and what it requires of its users, people who are on Tinder after a while may begin to feel depersonalized and disposable in their social interactions, develop heightened awareness (and criticism) of their looks and bodies and believe that there is always something better around the corner, or rather with the next swipe of their screen, even while questioning their own worth.”

5. Manipulation and cohersion into unwanted behaviors and exchanges. (Rape on both ends of the spectrum) 

When bargaining power is greatly unequal, the weaker party inevitably feels taken advantage of which leads to social unrest. This is why I am writing this article. While we all know that dating apps are only socially limited to single people, however, it is affecting us all. Birthrates have dropped, and more men are reaching states of numbness and disengagement then ever before. Suicide rates for men are at their highest. In general, men are the untold story in so many of our current conversations around the #meetoo movement. They are boxed not to show their emotions and slowly die from neglect. Here is a post from a Reddit user explaining some of the dynamics from this inbalance:

Feeling disposable

Venting

As a male in the dating world, women (I’m sure most guys deal with this) make us feel disposable. Women are so flaky and cancel/reschedule all the time. I might move things around or make other plans because I have a date or whatever set up, to have her cancel at the last second. It makes me feel like shit. It’s not just one girl, but happens all the time.

I don’t care if someone rejects me at the beginning. I don’t care if someone decides they aren’t interested and just seizes communication. What really bothers me is my time being wasted. As an adult with a full time job, “leisure time” is very valuable. I only have so much time in the day/week to enjoy myself. If I make a commitment to spend that time with you, you better believe I’ll be there. Don’t waste my time talking to me (if you’re already uninterested), making plans when I could be doing something else, and even driving places just to flake out.

Sure, most of what I’m saying is because of a couple interactions that just happened recently and I’m probably being emotional. However, this is an ongoing problem, not a one time occurrence. Don’t waste my time and don’t get my hopes up, just to crush them. Being rejected sucks, but being lead on is 1000 times worse. Men aren’t supposed to be emotional, but it fucking hurts. Especially when it continues to happen. A one time thing can be brushed off, but something reoccurring makes it feel like it is your fault.

It’s not just one girl. It’s a pattern, it’s a cycle, it’s an addiction, it’s a system that we have allowed to overcome us.  We have a real ticking time bomb on our hands and we need to figure out a way socially to disengage it soon. 

The other issue in this equation is that physical affection is only beneficial when lovingly exchanged within the tender bounds of intimate relationships. Mutually constructive intentions are important. Unintentionally anything else can reinforce further issues that someone may already have with touch. Like the example I gave about myself above with massage becoming a subservient act from my exposure to touch as a kid. Apps create this instant faux intimacy, and again some form of ambiguity in users intent. 

Ideas? It starts here, talking about it. I started a dating app addiction group locally and have actually found a lot of interest. Getting off dating apps and asking people to not use dating apps is not necessarily the solution. But talking about the disassociation from reality allows the pressure to decompress a bit. The reality is that an adult needs touch just as much touch as a child or baby and one person is not enough to provide that. We have to reach outside of the idea that we are dependent upon just one person to receive physical touch, explore what other options we have to fill our cup through platonic relationships and not be screwed with thinking that there is only one person who can do this for us. Key people in our cultures need to step up and start showing how to facilitate touch for touch and without meaning. More examples need to be prominent in our society. 

Another area of expansion that may prove fruitful is healing, alternative medicine centered around deep mind body spiritual treatment. I have visited Avid Awakening and learned they just upgraded their standard hypnotherapy services to include bioresonance healing through music and vibration to address issues such as PTSD. This type of therapy can help reframe the subconscious and alleviate anxiety and depression that comes from many of these unhealthy scenarios.

Here is a recorded version of this article if you want to hear it with my healing voice. I will also be writing an article next on what recommendations I have for dating app developers to use to build something that will help relieve the issue. Stay tuned.  

Reach out to me if you have ideas and have seen movements that are redefining what we understand in the space and reach out to us at avidawakening.com if you want to schedule a session. Insta: 4HazelGrace