30 Days and 30 Dates
It’s the first date, and I know it is going to come up. I try not to second guess myself, but I know that when I am put on the spot, I might just cave. The questions is: Should you have sex on the first date? So many people have different approaches as to why they choose to do it or not...but sexual exploration early in the relationship can set the dynamics for the relationship going forward. I am on a quest to find a longterm partnership that fits my needs and I have been on this path for quite some time. Now granted, I have taken the lazy way to meet my needs (hooking up with friends or recycling through ex’s). Really though, I have been just sitting around and waiting for something to happen, nothing but passive participation in my dating life. So, I have decided to change that pattern by putting real effort into an official search. This contains everything a real adventure requires, a map, direction, and destination. I have taken several classes on personal development to understand myself, desires and I even took a fantastic course by dr. Aly Ash, called “How to Pick Your Person(s)” where I now have a great list of prioritized qualities and non-negotiables that I will use as a map in my journey going forward. I highly, highly recommend doing this for yourself and working with an Advisor like Bella Love to hone in on what works for you. Confusion and indecision about what you want makes it not only difficult for yourself, but it’s like taking a machete to anyone you intertwin yourself with when you unconsciously go about it.
My list contains about 14 qualities which include things like bravery and curiosity, but I narrowed this down to 5 core attributes that will be the most important for me on this journey:
1. Positivity
2. Service to others
3. Anything is possible attitude
4. Authenticity
5. Kind hearted
Alright, it’s straightforward, it is a map, and I think will serve me well as I go through evaluating if a person is a good match for me. The next step is to actually put this in action and find people who have the same agenda; a long-term partnership (notice we still have not discussed the topic of sex yet). I just recently moved and have an advantage (explore a new place) and disadvantage (lack a network to find people who are connected to me). So I am resorting to dating apps at least until I think I have exhausted this resource...I know, so many of you cringe at this idea and the swipe culture at large may only bring me opportunities that are only connected one desire, sex. This is why I am nervous about the date. I also want to call out that even though there may be an endless supply of people available on dating apps, you do have limits with apps. First, I wish they had all dating apps had warning signs like cigarettes. Dating apps are built with the same gamification strategy that you find on gaming apps, which are addictive and desensitized you to real-world interactions. Out of every match, you make I bet that you most people only end up talking to about 25% of them and the number the meet I bet is even lower. So as I take this path, I warn others that may also be doing this, set a time limit of how long you will use the apps and be sure to watch when you see yourself spending too much time swiping and not interacting with conversations. Also, notice that the other person you are communicating with has feelings, be careful about what you say, it has power even though it may not feel like it. For example, I am calling this adventure for 30 days and 30 dates. I will be deleting these apps after 30 days, whether I have found a partner or not. It is only to get me started and should not be used as my only way of resourcing relationships. Each for each person I interact with, I will be sure to let them know why I discontinue the communication.
To be consistent and to make sure I cover my bases, I have opened an account with the top 5 apps that people seem to frequent and put a consistent profile together with the same message across the platforms.
The next step is that I put together a post-questionnaire for myself to fill out. After each date, I will ask myself questions to get a better sense of what I have experienced. First I plan on using a scale from 1-10 for the five core attributes, then scale how likely there will be a second date, and finally ask myself the following:
What did I find attractive?
Were there any red flags?
What do I want to learn more about from this person?
What future thoughts did I have about this person?
What do I think they liked about me?
What was a red flag for them?
Why do I think it is a good match?
So it seems I have everything together, and I am ready to take on a new dating journey, but this still does not answer my first question, should I have sex early on in the relationship? In the past, I have succumbed to the moment of passion and started sexual intimacy too soon. It never not quite worked out for me. The passion is too immature to be emotionally controllable, at least for me. But those relationships that I did wait, it did not work for me either. So I am still left with the question of what is the right approach to the sex question. I went to relationship expert Persian Medium, the subconscious mind surgeon to ask my question.
In other words, it's best to wait at least a little bit, at least until you're comfortable with one another and have a better picture of what each person wants in the relationship. But when it comes to how long you wait, that depends. The problem is that dating apps come with a stigmatized culture of quick and easy access to sex. So what do I do now that I want to go against the grain? Placing on my profile that I am looking for a long-term relationship is a good start, and the next responsible communication would be to let the date know that you like to take it slow to get to know them. Fear of rejection from this communication is real, I know it is not easy, but do it, even if you may lose a relationship you desired. It does not meet your needs, and you would only be compromising your own needs, so stick to your gun, put your chin up and fire away. And if someone has different intentions, don’t pass judgment, it is what they want, and we should all respect each other in the end.
Alright, so I am off to my adventure. Let us know if you have explored with these ideas and what you think. Contribute any tips that you think might be helpful for those of you who are navigating the treacherous grounds of dating apps and looking to find long-term relationships. What helps?